What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:46
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
When sharing a wife, is it best with your buddy or a stranger?
And i lived it daily.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
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We all went to grammer schools
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why did i forgive my father ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
All the time i was locked up.
He knew the spot.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She loved him until the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I said to her
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Ive learnt so much.
I think the readers, may guess!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I waited trembling.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I will be 64.
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She wouldn,t have been !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It was going to be , some day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She found it foreign!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
But it wasn’t much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I don,t even have a pension.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Comes on , in middle age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .